Do you really want me to answer that?

A few weeks ago a middle-aged couple came into the restaurant for lunch.

I seated them, gave them menus, told them the specials, and then went and leant on the bar and gossipped with the barman for a couple of minutes.

Then I went back to the table and said “Hi! Would you like to order some drinks?”

They both stared at me, without saying anything, for a really, really long time – like more than 10 seconds. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but the next time someone asks you a very easy question, just stare at them for 10 seconds without making a sound, and you’ll see how creepy and unsettling it is.

Eventually, the man said, “Where do I know you from?”

FUCK. I HATE that question. I spend a lot of my time drunk and I have blackouts a lot, so whenever a total stranger – who I could swear I’ve never laid eyes on before – asks me where they know me from, my first thought is always that I’ve slept with them and don’t remember because I was so trashed.

Obviously, I couldn’t say that, so I gabbled something about having worked in catering in Oxford for quite a long time and he accepted it and (eventually) ordered a fucking drink.

Afterwards, I went into the kitchen and told the chef, and he said, “You should have said ‘I used to be a prostitute.’”

Hero.

The other day a customer at the restaurant started acting like a cock because we’d run out of cider. The waiter apologised but the customer wasn’t backing down and was getting more and more worked up, so the manager on duty went over to say sorry. The customer went on and on and on about how much he wanted some cider until eventually the manager had to say “Sorry, but we’re really busy and I need to get back to work.”

So the customer said “You’re such a dick!”

So the manager on duty said, “There’s no need to swear at me.”

So the customer said, “Don’t be stupid, ‘dick’ isn’t a swear word!”

So the manager said, “Of course it fucking is, you cunt!”

Not really. But he said something only marginally less awesome: he said, “Ok, well if  ‘dick’ isn’t  a swear word, then you’re a dick too.”

Customer suck

Me: Would you like to order a drink?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Ok, what would you like?

Customer: What have you got?

Oh fuck off.

Crunk!

[Things you need to know to understand this post: 1 - Hermione and her friends (and now me - creep much?  c|;oP) use the expressions "worst life," which means something super-shit, and "best life," which means something super-cool.  2 - Hermione and I are preoccupied with inventing new awesome smilies, and we are actually really fucking good at it.]

A dude came into the restaurant today at lunch time, had 2  glasses of wine and passed out cold at the table. He was on Hermione’s section, but as I was on the manager on duty it was technically my responsibility to deal with him. But since I myself spend so much time passed out drunk in public, I didn’t really feel like I could do it, so I called down the general manager, who is a crazy motherfucker called Jason.  Jason woke the drunk man up and tried to get him to leave, but the guy was so drunk that he couldn’t stand up. He sat there for probably 2 more hours – he was still there long after Hermione had gone on her break and left the restaurant. Eventually he stood up and tried to leave. I texted Hermione.

From me to Hermione

14 July 2010, 16.08

That drunk guy just got up, stumbled out of the restaurant and faceplanted onto the road.  His head is now pissing blood. I think we could really party with this dude.

From Hermione to me

14 July 2010, 16.11

Fantastic! He is a brilliant worst life.  He’d add physical repulsiveness to our list of tragic group features. I think we need him.

From me to Hermione

14 July 2010, 16.20

They’ve taken him away in an ambulance. BUZZKILL!

From Hermione to me

14 July 2010, 16.25

NO WAY! Tried to make an ambulance smiley, but it’s too hard. Is Jason furious?

From me to Hermione

14 July 2010, 17.39

Jason didn’t seem to angry, actually. Ambulance smiley is a big challenge – maybe it could be this: oOoOoOoOoO (a representation of the siren)? Actually that’s a bit abstract. I’ll work on it.

Can you come up with an ambulance smiley? Convo me!

They know what we get up to…

Ana got balsamic vinegar on my pale pink t-shirt, so my best friend got out the Stain Devils and got on the case (successfully – GO BF!)

The bottle of stain remover  has a list of stuff that it will get out of your clothes, which reads like they’ve been standing outside your house at night and watching you party through the window:

• fat spills from food
• mayonnaise
• dairy products: cheese, yoghurt, butter
• eggs
• ice cream
• condensed milk
• lotion
• semen
• blood
• soot

They don’t work the way you think they do.

My friend Ana just kind of moved in, because the place she was staying before was FUCKED like woah. While we were packing up all her stuff and stuffing it into bags she went “Here, do you want this?” and gave me a fucking AWESOME black leather Michael Kors skirt  .

Anyway. So now we’re sitting in the kitchen and drinking a £6.99 bottle of shiraz (yeah!) to celebrate her escape and talking about the flip-flops that my best friend is wearing – they’re her brother’s and she’s extolling their virtues: apparently they’re really comfortable. Ana wants to talk about flip-flops, specifically those flip-flops that allegedly make you lose weight by changing the way you walk or something. She hates them. “People are fucking retarded – they’re so fucking gullible. The company that makes them sent me a pair for free.” Ana is a fashion journalist and she gets free stuff quite a lot. Her tone becomes increasingly outraged:  “They are so fucking uncomfortable. I mean if they do work, it’s only because they hurt so much that you’re in too much pain to get up and walk to food.”

Texts, Hermione, 9 July 2010

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 15.28
Should I invite Ellie (the one who’s marrying a fugly dude because a fortune teller told her to) to my party?

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 15.29
Definitely yes. I want to meet her so badly. Tell her to bring the fugly dude with her.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 15.31
Ok, I will text her right now. I will put loads of smilies and x’s into it, she’s really into that shit.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 16.53
Right, I’ve sent her a text with 8 x’s at the end and a retarded smiley. I’ll let you know when she gets back to me.

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 16.54
XD maybe? Or a heart <3 i bet she’d lap that shit up xx

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 16.58
Fuck off, I love XD, it’s my all-time favourite smiley! Th one she loves is this one : o)   I HATE THAT FUCKING THING. Since when do smileys have noses, for fuck’s sake. It’s even worse when she gives it a top hat   =|:o)

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 17.00
Ha! As if anyone gives smileys a hat? c|;o) winking bowler hat smiley?

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 17.10
That looks like a leprechaun. You should be a smiley-designer. You’d make millions.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 17.18
She just texted me back: “Me too x x feels like ages since i’ve seen you x x x let me know where and when i’ll be there x”

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 17.56
She’s coming and she’s bringing her fugly man. I am so excited.

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 17.59
Brilliant xx ;D can’t wait to meet her 8 -) xxx she sounds fucking hilarious xx  c|:-P

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 18.03
X x x x she is so amazing x x x you will love her xxxx LOL xXxXx =];o)

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 18.05
Xx <3 will funny jo and her lap dancing be there? Xx B -) cool. Awesome. Brill. : ) xxxxx

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 18.34
(“)> this is a bird. I am a genius.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 18.39
PMSL that is amazing! I love it.  Ö{   That is a shocked goldfish

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 18.46
Awesome! <|:-) witch. With bat ~”~ Doubles up as clown *<|:D or father christmas. Someone seriously ought to be paying us.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 19.06
I love the father christmas smiley, it basically made me LMAO. Babes the party is going to be soooo fabby and ace!!!! Jo is coming and I’ve told her that Josh is really into hula dancing so she needs to practise.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 21.30
Ahahaha! This complete MINGER that I slept with last summer just came in. Aaaawkward!

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 21.39
Hahaha. Was it fucking exceptional? Xx

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 21.51
It most certainly was. Especially the bit where he suggested that I fuck him up the arse with a bright blue dildo. Um. No?

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 21.53
NO WAY?! You definitely should’ve done. I’d have loved that story.

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 22.00
Ikr. It’s one of those things that would have been worst life at the time, but would have been the BEST best life story EVER.

From Hermione to me
9 July 2010, 22.01
Did he actually offer you a blue dildo??

From me to Hermione
9 July 2010, 22.03
Sort of: it’s actually a strapless strap-on – you stick one end up your cunt and fuck the dude with the other end. And yes, the one he has is bright blue.

Ahahahahahahahaha!

My best friend, our crazy acquaintance and I are sitting in the garden talking about body image. My best friend has a thing about her nose, because her mother always makes negative comments about it (wtf – she is really pretty and her nose is awesome).

My best friend is musing on whether her mother would ever pay for her to have a nose job. I think it’s a  bad idea, and say so: “Don’t do it. What if you end up like Jodie Marsh?!”

She looks unconvinced, so I up the ante: “WHAT IF YOU END UP LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON?!”

She looks at me scathingly – “What, a paedophile?”

What’s it good for?

I was lying in the garden with my best friend, looking at celebrity magazines and bitching. There was a picture of a woman in a belly-dancing class, so I asked my best friend, “What’s the point of belly-dancing classes?”

She made an exasperated sound and went, “God, who knows? I have no idea.”

So I went, “Do you think they’re supposed to make you feel better about your fat stomach? Maybe staring in the mirror at your fat white stomach, surrounded by cheap plastic gold coins, is supposed to make you feel better about it?”

And she went, “NOTHING is going to make me feel better about my fat stomach.”

A few seconds later, she added, “Apart from more candy.”

Family loyalty.

We have some regular customers at the restaurant who work just down the road.

I like them, probably because I see them all the time and they aren’t dicks. M owns the company and D, who is his brother, works there too.

I really don’t know what it is that they do – it’s something to do with commercial websites (maybe?) and customer interfaces, but beyond that I have no idea. They worked 18 hour days all week last week to finish a big project, and they came in at 10 on Sunday night to celebrate when they finally reached the end.

They got really fucking drunk.

M started talking about how great his nephew – D’s son – is. To be fair, D’s son is really, really cute. But M, being really, really drunk, tried to argue that his nephew was “witty.”

D just looked at him and went, “M, he’s two. He’s only just learnt to say tractor.“